my rant and my apology

*As posted elsewhere during my little temper tantrum.*

I’ve realized something recently. I think my spirit is dying. Cause of Death: School… mostly.
The homework and the studying are taking everything out of me. It’s all I ever do anymore. By the time I take a break to relax, I have no energy and I’m in such a dull mood that even attempts at excitement fail. Now there are only the occasional, unexpected bursts of the old me, and I think this is becoming a serious problem. I bore myself. But what can I do? Not study? Not do my homework? You see, I’ve developed this sick idea that I and my grades have to be perfect. I’m a very logical and rational person, but sometimes what I know logically to be true isn’t what I let myself believe. Therefore, I feel guilty for things that I know I shouldn’t feel guilty for, things I know others wouldn’t expect me to feel guilty for. So now, blowing off studying makes me feel irresponsible. Guilt is not a pleasant thing to experience.
Then again, neither is a dying spirit.

I think guilt is a big part of it though, and it’s not just the guilt of having fun. It’s the guilt of not being around. It’s the guilt of not being able to control situations that (logically) I have no control over. It’s being plagued with the guilt of not answering my fuc#ing phone at 7 in the morning. God, I’m such a jerk. It was “too early” but you were standing next to the overturned car that you were fuc#ing lucky to crawl out of alive. While you were rolling your car, I was rolling over in bed, asleep. I’ll be answering my phone from now on.

I got a text message about 2 weeks ago from a friend back home. Suddenly I wanted nothing more than to be in her apartment with a screwdriver in my hand. Instead, I was here with an analysis book in front of me. And why did I yearn to be in her apartment so badly? Because her apartment is the land of the carefree (also the land of alcoholic beverages, but this is beside the point). Remember when I was carefree? Remember when I could jump in the puddles without thinking, “hmmm, I should probably finish that homework”?

My own damn fault though, right? I was the one that decided I could tackle a math major and now I’m the one that has to suck it up and deal with that. If my mother were hearing this she’d say, “Stop feeling sorry for yourself.” But ya see, at one point I had this false self-esteem that, foolishly, had me thinking that I was a smart, intelligent person. I was told I had a "bright future" and that I had "a lot to offer the world." That self-esteem isn’t around at the moment. Over the summer I had a nice little argument with my boss and it really pissed me off at the time. I’m finally starting to see his point though. I really wish that just one person had been honest with me. People telling me that I was smart didn’t help me out any, did it?

Well screw that. And another thing, why do I need any of this anyway? I learned this summer that having a brain isn’t going to get me anywhere no matter what I do. Apparently, it’ll always be about my “hot little ass”. Makes a girl feel pretty cheap. Ya know what else does? Have you ever been harassed while innocently trying to clean the men’s bathroom? I have. It’s bastards like that… Whatev. Logically I know that not every guy is a creep like the many I’ve had the pleasure to meet. But I’ve had them fool me.

Much to my horror, I was called out on the whole not being myself thing the other day. It seems it’s been noticed by more than just me. They were like, “Kate, what’s up with you? Suddenly you have nothing to say? You look like you’re a million miles away from here right now.” Apparently, my little moments are becoming noticeable.

So basically, I apologize. If you live with me, live near me, are related to me, have classes with me, study with me, are friends with me, have not heard from me in a long time because of this, or just plain miss the person I am without all of the stress… I am sorry. I'm sorry if you actually read all this. I'm sorry if I've been no fun. I can barely stand it myself, so I am sorry that you have to put up with it. If I’ve seemed distant, do not take it personally. And please, just don’t give up on me.

what happened?

I don't understand. I'm terribly confused.
I realize that I've never been very good at this game. I also realize that I tend to be paranoid. But I keep that to myself. So what is it? Am I being paranoid, or is something wrong here?
Things are different. I wished and wished for things that never came and I see these things slowly slipping further and further away. But grabbing for them will be no use. It will be worse that way. And now I just don't know what to do.