Thursday, April 27, 2006

fast cars and freedom

I have honestly believed that God wants me to die in a car accident.
Whether I'm driving or not.
a heavy foot, a slippery road
the semi, the telephone poll
tired eyes and long blinks
the walmart entrance, the white truck
a cross on the side of the road
a friend lost so young
the careless drivers
yellow lights and fancy cars
the booze, a backseat screwdriver
Don't be suprised to see me on the news in my old age, the elderly woman afraid to enter a motor-vehicle.
If I live to be elderly.

Monday, April 24, 2006

well?

Have you ever sat paralyzed by thought, uncertain of what action to take, unaware of what thoughts will release you from your current ones? Have you ever felt trapped inside of your mind, like there's no way out? Have you ever had to literally shake yourself of the things taking over your thoughts? Has your total awareness ever been stolen by empty stares? Have you ever had to tell yourself to blink? Have you ever sat and thought for what seems like an eternity and find yourself unable to remember a single thought? Have you ever lost large moments in time, gapping holes in your memory that only idle contemplations can fill? Do you ever find yourself startled by the presence of someone or something, not recalling its presence only moments ago? Have you ever had to pretend to have heard something you didn't? Have you ever interrupted your own thoughts to asked yourself, "what am I thinking about right now?" only to find yourself lost in the never ending circle of answers? Do you believe it is possible to sit motionless both physically and mentally? Do you believe a person can stare into nothingness with zero thoughts running through their mind? Do you ever think you've done it? Have you ever wished you could? Do you ever wonder about the difference between wordless thought and worded thought? Perhaps one is feeling and the other is contemplation of feeling.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

that night

he was living there again, but i had taken his room
his few belongings were jammed into the room across the hall
you tried to ask a question without actually asking it once
i already had problems and you were looking for answers
you were afraid and i hated that you would even ask
but i knew you didn't want to, so i let it go
we both pretended as if it was nothing
she had been away at college, leaving the bigger room
my room was the size of her closet
and she wasn't even there
and so i decided to move all her stuff, all of my stuff
i had permission, so i made the move
without her knowledge
i went to bed that night in my new room
but i didn't sleep
commotion heard downstairs
yelling, screaming, faltering cries
tears... i could feel the tears
my body tensed with fear
the stairs, they were at the stairs
something had been done
something had been discovered
something had been hidden
the crying was broken with screams
from both sides
a calm third party, trying to get through
trying to convince him, trying to be a support
but she demanded
there was fear and anger within each word
i was paralyzed and silent
my eyes frozen, staring at the door
my ears catching every motion, every word
down the hall, the world was ending
they came and they left, with him
now I heard only silence
no more screaming, no more yelling
but there were still tears
the next day was thanksgiving
she came home, angry with her new room
she should have been thankful
thankful she hadn’t been there the night before
three feet from the terror
she didn’t know, she couldn’t know

we were told to keep quiet, no one else needed to know
one did and made assumptions
assumed it was purposeful, to get attention, to ruin the holiday
i grabbed some carrots and walked away,
walked away from it all

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

I should have

I didn't ask you to love me. But maybe I should have.
I didn't tell you I love you. But maybe I should have.
I didn't ask you for help. But maybe I should have.
I didn't tell you the truth. But maybe I should have.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

the office

I hated you for making me go.
I didn't tell anyone.
No one asked about the doctor's name on the calender, marking the appointment.
No one thought twice about my absence.
The car ride was silent.
The receptionist was my cousin's grandpa's girlfriend.
But the sign by the door said "what is seen here, what is heard here, stays here".
I felt out of place in the waiting room.
I wasn't like these people. They had it all wrong.
I realized I was smarter than professionals. They believed your lies. They believed my lies.
Pamphlets lined one wall. Answers to anything in a pamphlet.
I flipped through a magazine, pretending to be interested.
The office was small.
There was a tall, narrow window on the wall opposite the door.
A dog passed with its owner.
He talked. She talked.
I sat silent.
There was a tall bookshelf, filled with medical texts.
I passed a lot of the time by browsing the titles... pretending to browse the titles.
One wall was littered with diplomas and framed honors. Again I stared.
The leg of his pants rose when he sat down.
He wore fancy socks.
This is what I looked at. His socks. I stared and stared at his socks.
I resented you for making me go and I resented you for blaming him.
And so I stared at his socks in defiance.
He pulled out a file. I tried to read as he wrote.
I only half listened to the things I was being told.
Only half listened to the long list of side affects being recited.
I'd nod my head occasionally, only to humor them.
After all, this wasn't for me. You wanted this.
It hurt. It still hurts.
That office is where I learned to be expressionless.
That office is where I learned apathy.
That office is where I learned to be cold and cynical.
That office aided in my shutting down.
I think a part of me was left behind in that office.
Left still staring at the man's socks.
The man's fancy socks.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

i have a dirty secret
that i've kept for years
it's brought me so much heartace
brought so many tears

i can't seem to find them
they seem so far away
the words to tell my secret
the words i cannot say

it lingers in the background
forever haunting me
its presence is exhausting
sometimes it's all i see

i've closed all the doors
and locked them pretty tight
now any chance of honesty
is hidden out of sight

dually

I've become a dual blogger. I've maintained another blog Get Out of my Head for about a year and a half, but have decided to create a seperate one for the more serious, downer, "no one wants to read this crap" stuff. Basically, posts here will probably consist of a lot of crap I'm trying to straighten out in my head. Feel free to go to my original blog, cuz I'll probably end up depressing you here.

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